Some Thoughts on the August Institution
I don’t know why, precisely, I feel the need to explain myself, but I do. It’s not as though I’ve been hassled by my friends or harassed by my family regarding my choice to marry. Nay, I’ve had nearly universal encouragement over the course of this four-year exercise in separation, sacrifice, and angst. Without that encouragement, the largely happy events of the past couple of weeks would not have happened.
Nonetheless, I’ve caught a vague vibe that places reactions to my recent marriage somewhere between head-shaking resignation and straight-up alarm.
Which is weird.
In terms of the spectrum of self-defenition available to us, my generation suffers from an embarrassment of riches. We haven’t gotten all the kinks ironed out yet, no, but on the whole, people can be pretty much whatever the hell they want. There’s an array, a matrix of possibilities out there. You can plot your gender identity and sexual preferences on graph of arbitrary dimensions and precision, and anybody worth talking to will be okay with that.
Sure, there are some people—you know, assholes—who still want to describe things in one-bit terms. I think the record will show I am not such an asshole. Fact is, I’m a skirt-wearing androgyne of ambiguous orientation and attraction (at least in my head) which makes me an entirely different kind of asshole—though that is neither here nor there.
Returning to my thesis, let me descend for a moment into saccharine sentimentality. I love J. I give her my bumbling affection and in return receive acceptance, understanding, empathy, support, sex (!)—if I hadn’t busted my ass for nearly four years to get to this point, I’d feel like it was almost unreal.
The key to the whole thing is right there—it’s not unreal. It’s not sweepingly-scored movie love, or tumescent sweaty infatuation (though both of those do turn up from time to time), it’s real. It’s hard work, daily life, just a couple of people who are only exceptional in very minor ways. It’s just that—but that’s a lot.
I’m not enough of a gambler to bet on something better turning up. Even if something better were to appear, that’s only a small factor in the Great Equation; larger factors are effort and time, and I have invested large amounts of both. I’m starting to see significant returns on those investments, and it wouldn’t make sense to cash out now.
Or, to be less obscure: I like Miss J a whole lot, so dumping her in favor of a hypothetical situation would be stupid. Furthermore, as I expend more time and effort on the relationship with correspondingly good results, such a move only gets dumber.
At this point, marriage starts to look pretty good.
What irritates me is the idea that suddenly my reasons for being with J and my overall life goals are suddenly presumed to shift upon marriage. Let’s dispel a few of the common misconceptions:
- I do not want children any more than I did prior to marriage.
- I do not plan to “settle down” in a particular place or manner any sooner than I did prior to marriage.
- I am not any more boring than I was prior to marriage—I have always been this boring.
- I will not become suddenly obsessed with lawn care, barbecuing, or, god forbid, youth soccer—by the standard metrics of suburban acumen, I will continue to be a total failure.
- I do not presume that marriage is a good idea for everybody.
- As a corollary to the above point, I will not start pressuring my friends to marry, interpreting their marital status as a tacit indictment of my own. That would be dumb.
“Marriage” is a storied institution with the weight of millennia behind it. It’s no surprise that people who choose marriage are still presumed to have somewhat standard goals. But I cannot stress the following point enough: We were married because it was a good fit for us, and the fact that it is an extremely common, traditional choice with common, traditional roles associated with it is entirely coincidental. The majority of the standard priorities and roles do not, I assure you, apply.
July 19th, 2005 at 11:13 am
It’s much like women’s lib.
I think our generation has gone so far “out there” with it’s acceptance of “other” lifestyles that we now see marriage like we looked at women who stay at home to raise the family in the late 80’s & early 90’s.
It’s like since we’re freed of this great affliction of (marriage/college/raising children) why would one go and actually choose it!?!?
I am VERY guilty of this on several levels but I think it’s mostly due to the fact that although our generation on the surface seems to be more accepting of late marriage or just co-habiting, I think the reality is that those of us who find the confidence to go off and wed are seen with jealous eyes that never tend to be forgiving or understanding.
I even waxed philosophical at a recent friend’s wedding commenting on how they once did E together and now they’ve registered for platinum ringed china – and as witty as that is, it comes from an ugly jealous place in my soul that most un-wed people try to hide with sarcasm and new age thinking.
I get how you must be feeling but to be honest if I was a close friend I might be making crazy talk as well. I can see both sides of that fence.
July 19th, 2005 at 2:27 pm
Sour grapes, my friend, sour grapes.
Anyone who knows you and has a glimmer of understanding of your relationship with Miss J can see that this was the Right Thing To Do. I for one am really and truly happy for both of you.
Had I seen in a similar situation with the right mix of financial stability and the right person, I’m sure I’d have done the same thing.
July 19th, 2005 at 6:27 pm
I think it freaks me out that people my age get married, period, just because it’s a signal to me that I am really truly entering adulthood, but obviously that’s no reflection on any individual’s relationship. I think it’s great that you’ve found someone who makes you as happy as Julia does.
And believe or not I’m starting to think I’m ready, too, though that may in part be fueled by the instability of my current situation.
August 1st, 2005 at 3:33 pm
Hey, it’s nice to find someone who loves you and thinks you are the person with whom they wish to spend the rest of their life. Even better when the feeling is mutual.